The Pain of Amber


Last night, I was a match to hearing that my most avid anti-Teal antagonist LaVaughn has decided to go after my “allegations” of ritual abuse in order to try to make me look like a fraud by trying to prove that ritual abuse does not occur. At first, I was mildly irritated by the information. But that gave way too much deeper pain. I spent a while with my community members last night owning up to and expressing that pain. I know that this sort of thing is bound to come up in my line of work, especially the more famous I get. But knowing that it’s bound to come up doesn’t seem to cut the edge off of the hurt when it actually does come up. It is painful enough to endure years of abuse, much less have people doubt that the abuse even occurred.

Sometimes, when people ask what it feels like, I tell them to imagine that they were in the holocaust… Alone. But no photographs were ever taken. And no one ever found out. You dream of the day when you will escape the nightmare and be welcomed back into the arms of other people. It never even crosses your mind that they would think to disbelieve you. But when you do escape, that is exactly what happens. They treat you like you are crazy. And you can’t convince them otherwise. The experiences you are telling them about (though normal to you) are so foreign and extreme to them that they can’t conceive of it being a reality. You have no proof other than scars. The hell you went through will be yours alone to bear until the day you die. And so it feels as if you’re always a hair’s width away from slipping back into that hell, into the clutches of those people who counted on disbelief being the overwhelming public response.

Before anyone gets angry about me comparing ritual abuse to the holocaust, It is important to understand that ritual abuse is closer to the abuse that went on during the holocaust than any other kind of abuse; because most of the mind control programming that is done by these cults are techniques taken directly from the mind control research the Nazis were doing in the concentration camps. I was introduced to this mind control programming when I was just six years old.

For the thirteen years that followed, I was systematically and progressively separated from my family, I was tortured physically and sexually in rituals, forced to participate in sacrifices, raped, forced to eat and drink out of dog bowls, forced to undergo 3 abortions (all fathered by my principal abuser himself who was in his sixties at the time). He performed them himself with veterinary equipment, which is why I had such a hard time conceiving my son. I was photographed for sadomasochistic pornography, sold for money to men for sex out of outdoor gas station bathrooms and motel rooms, kept in basements, kept in a plank covered hole in the ground in my abuser’s back yard, exposed to electro-shock programming, forced to undergo isolation torture, left overnight tied up in lava caves in southern Idaho. I was forced to participate in bestiality and necrophilia, drugged by my abuser with Ketamine, Dormator, Xylazine, opiates, peyote and speed (all of which he had unlimited access to due to being a vet). I was chased through the Idaho and Utah wilderness by my abuser who loved to “play” tracking games in which he would hunt me, and if I won, I got a reward, if I lost, I was either raped, or he would “count coup” by making cut marks on my rib cage. I was used as a lure to other children that ended up being hurt or on occasion killed by the cult group. And the list could go on. But this experience is still something that seriously affects my life today. On one hand it is obvious that I would not be doing the job I am doing today around the world if it wasn’t for this experience. On the other hand, a life that is spent in a constant state of recovery from the past is a difficult life.

But I am in a state of disbelief that anyone can deny the fact that ritual abuse happens. If I am to be completely honest, that level of ignorance and denial is embarrassing to me. And it does not only hurt me, it also hurts thousands of other victims of ritual abuse.

People want to preserve their idea of reality at all costs. Living in a world where people are capable of such things is just too scary for some. And that works out so well for the perpetrators of such abuse. They have hidden behind that veil of disbelief and ignorance for thousands of years. Serial killers hide behind that same veil. And they will tell you just how risky and publicly demonstrative they have to get before they are found out. He, who does not want on some level to be found, will not be found.

What the minds of cult leaders and serial killers will tell you is that the majority of the excitement that comes along with their obsession is the fact that they get to feel “a cut above the rest”. They feel “a cut above the rest” because they are capable of doing things that are so beyond what others are capable of doing, they perceive themselves to be invincible. Where others are weak, they are strong. They mistake morality and compassion for weakness. And most common people impose their perception that “all people have morality within them”, upon them. They sit in the courtrooms in a state of disbelief when that innocent, sociable person they thought they knew so well is exposed as a psychopathic killer with no sense of remorse. And I can tell you that there is no place like a cult for a psychopathic person to call home. There are no beliefs like cult beliefs to enable a profoundly sick person to justify their sadistic impulses.

Ritual abuse is not as rare as you’d think. It is a worldwide phenomenon. And quite frankly, it is an epidemic in Utah and Idaho (where I grew up). And until we recognize it, it always will be.

Anyone who is curious to educate themselves on ritual abuse can start here:



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